Is Anxiety a Mystery? It Doesn't Have To Be
- Gisella La Madrid
- Feb 3
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 12
Are you feeling lost in the maze of your child's anxiety? It's tough seeing our kids struggle, especially when we're not sure why. I've been exploring some fascinating concepts about anxiety, and it's been truly enlightening. It turns out, there’s more to it than just “nervousness.” Let's explore this together.
First off, know that you're not alone. Recent studies suggest that a significant number of children may qualify for an anxiety diagnosis. It's not just that we’re diagnosing it more; it seems like anxiety itself is on the rise. Many of us feel confused and maybe a bit helpless, trying strategies that don't seem to fit our kids. Often, we're just managing the symptoms and not getting to the root of the problem.
What is Anxiety Anyway?
So, what exactly is this “anxiety” that our kids are dealing with? Well, at its core, anxiety is a vague sense of unsafety, characterized by apprehension and restlessness. It's an emotional state where our bodies are on high alert. Think of it like an alarm system in the brain that's been activated. Instead of using the word "anxious," try thinking "alarmed". It helps us get closer to the physiological truth of what is happening. This alarm system is designed to get us out of harm's way, and it's actually a good thing when it works correctly.
Sometimes, this alarm system can be triggered when it doesn't need to be, or it can become overly sensitive. When kids are chronically alarmed, their sympathetic nervous system is constantly activated, which can make it hard to sleep or rest. This is why you might see your child being restless, jumpy, or having trouble focusing.
Is that really anxiety?
It's important to recognize that childhood anxiety is quite common, and it can manifest in unique ways. Your child might express anxiety through physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches, or they might show it through behaviors such as clinginess, reluctance to go to school, or difficulty sleeping. They may also use phrases like "I'm not hungry," "Please don't leave me," or frequently apologize. It is important to pay attention to these signs.
It's helpful to know that it's likely not your fault your child is experiencing anxiety. Factors like personality and genetics can play a significant role. However, you can play a crucial role in helping your child manage their anxiety. The most effective approach is to focus on changing your own mindset and reactions to anxiety, rather than focusing solely on your child's behavior. You have many opportunities to model healthy coping mechanisms since you are the best bet for your child.
Anxiety is not a "bad" emotion
One of the most important steps you can take is to reframe your understanding of anxiety itself. Anxiety isn't inherently a "bad" emotion; it's a signal that something might be potentially dangerous. The problem arises when we label anxiety as the danger itself. Your body reacts to anxiety with physical sensations to make sure you pay attention. Instead of trying to eliminate anxiety, we need to teach children that it's okay to have these feelings. It's crucial to avoid communicating that feeling anxious is dangerous, as this may cause them to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
Parents are key
Children look to their parents to understand how to react to situations. For example, a child who falls will look to their parent’s face to gauge how to react. Similarly, they observe how you handle your own feelings of anxiety. Modeling healthy coping strategies is crucial. Instead of getting anxious about their anxiety, show them how you deal with difficult emotions. For instance, if your child is nervous about preschool, you might say, "It’s hard for me to say goodbye too, but I know you’ll have a great time. I'll miss you, but I know I can handle that until I see you soon. I love you". Then, confidently walk away, showing your child they are safe and can handle the situation.
It is also important to understand that some children are naturally more sensitive, and this is not a negative trait. Sensitive people are often more thoughtful and attuned to others. Instead of viewing sensitivity as a weakness, you can use terms like “deeply feeling,” “caring,” or “observant”.
You may be tempted to help your child by allowing them to avoid situations that cause anxiety, but this can actually make the anxiety worse. Avoidance reinforces anxiety. When we avoid situations that feel dangerous, our brains learn to associate them with danger. This can result in an "anxiety spiral", where anxiety grows as the individual avoids more and more situations.
Instead, you should encourage your child to gradually face their fears. When they do so, their brains learn they are safe and their anxiety decreases. This process is related to neuroplasticity - our brain's capacity to change in response to our experiences.
Here are some actionable steps you can take:
Listen and Validate: Acknowledge their feelings and let them know that it's okay to feel anxious. Use a gentle tone and meet them at their level, both physically and emotionally.
Don't Avoid: Help your child face their fears in a step by step way, rather than avoiding them.
Offer Comfort: Use relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, and offer a soothing presence.
Model Healthy Coping: Show your child how you handle your own difficult emotions.
Use Positive Language: Instead of "It’s terrible to feel anxious," try “This is tricky” or “That feels uncomfortable”.
Reassure but Don't Over-Reassure: Help them understand that they can handle their feelings.
Remember, it’s okay for your child to feel anxious, but they can still choose their actions. You can help them develop a resilient relationship with anxiety and teach them that they can navigate these feelings. If you are finding it difficult to manage this on your own, don't hesitate to reach out to a therapist.